A big family is (painfully) changing me

Years ago, a friend said that you just can't parent three or four children in the same way you parent one or two. I have since had five kids and I agree.

I look at the wonderful habits and convictions and practices I had when I had my first and second child. I was calm. I never corrected my children when I was angry. I was on top of everything they did; instructing, correcting, training all the way. I read aloud for hours. I let them help with the washing up. We walked to the park. We walked to the shops. They had nap times at a particular time every day. We trained the children to have self control and not get out of bed before 7am. I exercised. I could study while the kids slept. I sat and played with them. I styled my hair every second day. I saw friends. I started blogging and writing prolifically (www.womenbiblelife.com). I read a lot. There were difficulties, meltdowns, fatigue, frustrations, depression. It still felt hard back then. But I look back and marvel at what I used to be able to do.

Life is bulkier now, cluttered with things which must be done. Every other day, I chide myself for all the good habits I used to have. I wonder why I can't parent the way I used to. I get frustrated that I can't will myself out the door for a run. I worry that I don't read enough to the littlest boys. I feel terrible for how infrequently I see my friends. I get angry. I get a buzz of adrenaline as I look at a course I would like to study, but then remember that there are no gaps in my routine, nor space in my mind. I hear reports of what one of the little boys is up to in another room and sigh. I just don't know what to do. If I did know what to do, I'm not sure I could disentangle myself to get there and do it anyway.

In those times, I am measuring myself by what I used to do, a few kids ago. But this is a different game now. More players means the rules have to change.

There is no avoiding the fact that I am finite. I simply cannot parent the way I once wanted to. When I had only a couple of children, I was able to indulge my perfectionism a bit. I used to figure that if I did everything right, then everything would turn out the way I imagined it should. I am very thankful that I cannot pretend that way any more. It was never true. 

Having five kids has forced me to see my children as individuals who have minds and hearts of their own. They are not projects for me to cultivate. I cannot control all the elements which shape them. I can do my best to make good choices as a mother, but whatever I come up with will be imperfect. This handful of children remind me hourly that I am not in control.

I think the main difficulty with a big family, is feeling bad that I simply can't parent along the default lines set by an individualistic culture. Every individual in our family is constantly bending and adjusting and colliding with the needs of others. All of us have our self centredness ambushed. I cannot mother my children and still do everything I like to do. They cannot grow as one of five children and still feel like the world is at their mercy. It hurts. It's painful. It's messy, but it is really good for us all.

I am learning that happiness does not come from doing what we want, whenever we want. It does not even come from achieving our goals and being in control. Happiness is not something we can catch, control and keep on a leash. It pops up unexpectedly, often out of a maze of other messy feelings. It sprouts best when we are getting on with doing other things.

I am going to stop comparing myself-with-five-children with myself-with-two-children. I'm sure my memories of myself-with-two-children is glossed anyway. Sure, there are things which are not happening at the moment. There are a whole lot of really great things happening instead. The difference is, I am not under the delusion that I am orchestrating all these good things.

A beautiful mess

Our baby is now 8 months old. Life is pretty cumbersome at the moment. I am treading water in a sea of cuteness and chaos. I cannot blog predictably, so, I am popping my head up out of the water to note an assortment of things I am learning:

• When I write a list of "things to do", every second item on my list is now, "unexpected job". Most of what I do in a day are things which interrupt my task list. Nappies, coaching children through conflict, dealing with the flood of milk on the kitchen floor, the broken glass. These "interruptions" are my job. If I account for the unexpected little jobs which I have to stop and attend to, then I am less surpised when it takes me four hours to do something which would ordinarily take twenty minutes.

• With five children, it is unusual for everyone to be happy at the same time. There is almost always someone who has an issue in any moment. The more I expect this, the less draining it is. It is still draining though.
• 

• The very things which make home education difficult are the same reasons why we are doing it. It would be easier in the short term to not have to deal with the inter-personal and attitude complications. It would be nice to outsource some of the frustrations and feelings of inadequacy. But we do want to actively parent these issues, so we remain present in our children's education. It is harder, but it is good.

• The rubbish in our studio will make some great artworks one day. I have made some prints from paint left on pallettes which the kids were finished with. I would also like to make a collage with all the random little drawings that the kids have done over the years. All the gadgets, creatures, weapons, castles, vehicles and maps brought together in one image.

• Minecraft is fabulous for many things. The problem is, those good things might be at the expense of other things which I care about more. We are now saving minecraft projects for school holidays. Since cutting minecraft out of our typical days, the kids are reading for fun again.They are no longer sitting around bored, waiting for when they are allowed to go on the computer again. Cutting off that option means they are once again seeing the other fabulous things around them.

• The studio space is a real gift. It gets used so often. The four year old is able to get out the materials he needs whenever an idea needs to come to life. This didn't happen when the art and craft things were in a box in the cupboard. It is a beautiful mess.
• 

• The chalk wall is great for me. I find my mind is so cluttered, that being able to write a note to myself, or for the kids to write a note, is a big help. I will often idly stand in front of the chalk wall, feeling like I don't know what to do with myself and the answer is staring right at me. It externalises some of my thinking. 

• It is really hard to sit and read aloud to everyone, or anyone, at the moment. This hurts because it is what I want to be doing most in our home learning environment. I often find I spend several hours in the morning setting up the conditions so I can sit and read to them. Because of unexpected jobs, no sooner do I sit down and there is an emergency of some sort. Or I am exhausted. 

• The stages of life when you need a couple of great, gritty friends are the same stages of life when you've got very little capacity for relationships. God has given us a couple of people like this who keep us afloat. Friends who know our family well enough to just the domestic reins sometimes are priceless. The sort of friends who share our space, eat meals and then blitz the kitchen while we put the kids to bed. The sort of friends who aren't offended when I am too tired to string a sentence together. The sort of people who we don't need to perform for. 

• I've had enough children to realise that these particularly messy, tiring stages come and go. Every month is different as children move through various stages of development. We must not despair. What feels impossible this month might be ok in a few weeks.

• I am also reminded that even when I am tired, or completely not achieving everything I think I ought to, my kids are still learning. Sometimes much more because I am not getting in the way with my own agenda.

• On the really challenging days, I am so glad to be doing what we are doing. I want to be here. I like this mess.

Respecting our own human-ness

I went to a conference earlier in the year for women who home educate. The best part for me was the anecdotal advice I gleaned on the edges of conversations and presentations.

One particular point stuck. It was about recognising our own personality and wiring as we parent. Creative people need to keep being creative as they do whatever family life requires of them. Movers need to move. Some people can't think while there is a basket of dirty laundry waiting to be washed. People caring for small children who need a nap need to make sure they get one. Introverted folk need to be realistic about their capacity for constant interaction. Some people need to put a date with silence in the schedule. Some people need to wake up to a slow coffee. I'm sure everyone has one element that makes a disproportionate difference to everything.

If we ignore our build and pretend we are infinite, living as if the world is dependent on us, then we will not last long. We are dependent creatures.

This isn't about getting everything we want ("me time" makes me feel very ill). It is working out what we need so we can keep functioning (even joyfully!) for the good of others.

I have worked out a few things which easily get sidelined, but which help me persevere more cheerfully:
1. Time reading a bit of the Bible and talking to God each day (apart from the moment by moment dependence).
2. A novel nearby, to escape into when an odd, empty five minutes appears.
3. A creative project.
4. Time to plan and write each week.
5. Afternoon rest time.

a little sanity knitting project (it's a baby sleeping bag)

To do these things, I have to leave other work undone for a while. But we could work 24 hours in a day and still never get things conquered. We need to pause the constancy, recognise our limits and invest in perseverance. Anyone for a cup of tea?

(I have worked through similar themes, mostly depression, on Women Bible Life. This post is a starting point.)